Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Feeling fed up

I really wish money wan't an issue.  I feel so rough this morning; I think I have a throat infection, and I feel very, very run down.  However, I've already missed two days at work with son and his chicken pox so I must go in.  I'm going to try and get a doctor's appointment later today.

I would love to run away somewhere hot for a few days and just be.  Maybe read and swim, and watch the sunset.

No chance.

How do you pull yourself out of a funk?  Prozac doesn't seem to be cutting it.  Eating a super healthy diet and exercising hasn't touched it.  Multi vitamins, omega oils: nothing.  Fresh air: not really.  I am being proactive, I am trying to feel better.  Why am I run down all of the time, and why, when things do let up for a second or two, does something else shitty happen that puts me back again?

It's very frustrating.

Monday, 27 February 2012

The dreaded chicken pox has finally landed

Son has the pox.  Poor little guy.  I'm going to have to come out of work unpaid whilst he's poorly, and I was only just getting re-established.  We were just getting into the swing of toilet training too.

Anyway, the hospital aren't too worried as daughter still has evidence of the antibodies in her blood from when she had it as a child.  If they don't have these, cancer patients can face several days of IV antibiotics in hospital in order to ensure they don't catch the disease.  It can be fatal.

I'll still be watching daughter like a hawk though as she did develop shingles recently - as did several of the children with cancer at our clinic - and that meant lots of antibiotics at home.

I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Liver problems

Daughter definitely has issues with her liver.  We are waiting for a biopsy so they can figure out what's going on.

I'm on half term already, having done my first week back at work.  I certainly feel more human than I did a couple of weeks ago.  I've lost about 17lbs in weight now, although I'm flagging a bit at the moment with my exercise as it's been an emotionally draining few days.  It's probably a good job it's the holiday, although I have a monkeyish 3 year old to entertain.  We are going to have a trek to soft play this afternoon.  Think of me please, it could well finish me off!

Happy half term to you all.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Liver specialist tomorrow

We are at the liver specialist tomorrow to try and figure out what else is going on with daughter.

It has been lovely to be back at work - busy, a touch stressy, but lovely.  I've had a purpose other than hoovering for the first time in months, and it feels great.

I'm not including my role as carer for daughter in the above observation.  That I will do whenever she needs me, as often as she needs me, without complaint.  That goes without saying.  And if she becomes ill again, then I will look after her again.  At the moment she is doing okay.

I'm just worried about what else might be waiting for us in the morning.

Saturday, 4 February 2012

A stone down

I've managed to lose a stone (still 3.5 to go though), I've had my hair done and my nails.  I've not had my nails done in over a decade.  I wanted to feel a bit better for restarting work.  I've aged so much this year and I never make any effort with how I look: scruffy black clothes, hair in a bobble, old trainers, naff coat.  I don't think how you look should influence how others see you, but of course it does.  I want to return to work looking like I mean business, even though I'm going to be in knots inside.
Daughter is due to go and see a liver specialist at the end of next week.  We will hopefully get to the bottom of whatever is the other condition that she has.  Her counts remain low, but she's been put back on chemo so I don't know how she'll get on over the next few weeks.  I think her counts could drop lower still.  This will make her tired and possibly result in transfusion, let alone make her vulnerable to infection. 

Please keep your fingers crossed for us as we attempt to try and regain a bit of normality in out lives.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Getting ready to restart work

So, I go back to work on Monday.

Daughter's counts are still low.  She's okay in herself, but this makes her very vulnerable to infections.  They've put her back on chemo still, so I'm suspecting that this might make her counts drop further.

I think, when I go back in, I'm going to be worrying about her endlessly.  I'm already a bit of a depressive/anxious wreck as it is.  We need the money so I have to work.  We can't afford for me to be out of a job.  My employers have been so good with me, supporting me, and I've had over a year off now.  It's not their fault that the nature of the illness that daughter has means that she will need another year of treatment yet.  This is my problem, not their's. 

I just hope it goes okay.  I want to work for my sanity too.  Spending so much time in these four walls is not doing my mental health any good either.

The long, slow, painful, punishing burn of treating leukaemia...