Difficult silence

We have lost many children over the past few months who we'd met through hospital.  

Just now I have found out another girl, who was on the ward when my daughter was first admitted and given her diagnosis, has passed away.

She was doing so well too.  

I am devastated.

Her Mum was so kind to us.  Imagine how it must feel to have to share a hospital bay with a family who have just been told their child has cancer.  She was so very kind, and thoughtful, to us that evening and her daughter was a very brave girl who had been through so much.  I will be forever grateful to her Mum for those early days we spent in hospital.  And I cannot believe that she, too, has now been cheated out of her child.  

This thing is horrendous.

And why is this post called 'difficult silence'?  Because she passed away a couple of weeks ago and we didn't know.  Because we don't get told.  Because nurses and consultants and hospital staff have to maintain this difficult silence of confidentiality.  We become like a little community, and the only updates come via the grapevine.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why they protect the patient and their families.  

It just makes me so sad that we couldn't do anything at the time to show how sorry we are that she has gone.  

How we have changed

We are ticking on along nicely at the moment.  

Husband and I had a conversation the other day about how cancer really has put us on a different path.

In terms of work, he was looking for opportunities away from where we live now.  This could have resulted in a move.  I was on the path to a job with much greater responsibility and pay.  Thanks to Money Saving Expert (which I can't recommend highly enough for people struggling with money/debt) we were on track to sorting our finances.  We were giving serious thought to having a third child.

Now, money is chaotic.  I'll be honest, I struggle to get a grip with it and can be very over generous with the kids and family.  I am trying to reign this in as I need to save for holiday next year.  I am trying desperately to keep the job I have, let alone get a promotion.  That won't happen whilst we are still on treatment, and not for a while afterwards.  Husband feels unable to apply for jobs further away in these uncertain times.  I don't think baby 3 will ever happen now.  I am tired to my bones.  This makes me feel so incredibly sad.

It feels like we have had so much taken from us.


Of course, I am grateful we have a house, and an income.  And most of all, I am grateful that I have two children here with me.  We can hope for good health in the future.

I would still rather it had never happened though.