Saturday, 1 December 2012

Being forced to reassess

We are approaching the two year mark since diagnosis, with 5 months of treatment remaining for daughter.

At the moment, she is worried as she seems to be losing hair from the sides of her head.  I know it is possible to lose hair again later in treatment, and am praying this isn't happening.  Her hair is finally growing down around her ears so it is the longest it has been since the beginning.  I'm just hoping that the hair loss is normal, but more noticeable to her because of its length now.  She's already lost her hair twice and her eyelashes several times.  She also gets a huge amount of grief at school: 'is it a boy or a girl?' being a daily occurrence.  Teenagers can be such a delight.

This whole situation has hit me hard, and I have finally given in to some pretty serious anxiety related illness.  I'm currently dosed up on a different AD and trying to settle down.  It is making me have an existential crisis. What do I really want out of life?  The places I was heading to and the things I wanted to achieve have been swept away and it has left me feeling quite down.  

Don't get me wrong, the most important thing is always, and has always, been my family.  If I lost everything, it could be replaced, but daughter couldn't.  Many parents also lose their own health during this time, and I have been told many marriages fail when a child goes through cancer treatment.  I can understand it as it does change you all.  I am very, very lucky to still have both my children, my health - to an extent, and my lovely husband. 

However, I can't help but feel very sad that our family will be punished for years to come because my daughter has had this illness.  I have already lost earnings and potentially could lose a lot more.  I have already taken a backwards step in my job and now might have to take another.  I am scared to death that in a profession that favours the young and dazzling, I will be left behind and never get back what I'd achieved, let alone move on from that.  We should, at this point, be doing really well financially and we should have been able to move out of the house where we live into something bigger.  Now, all we have is a big mess to sort out.

So, I am looking for a readjustment, a rethinking of how I view my life.  I've even been searching out some spiritual advice and have found the writing of Eckhart Tolle very helpful.  I am trying to be more mindful and trying to stay in the present.  Perhaps me fighting against the inevitable is what has made me ill, and if I just tried to accept and act as things arose, life would be easier for me, and, in turn, my family?  

I've also found a lovely counsellor and it is helping me to see I still have some choices in the situation I am in, even if they aren't all easy ones.

Anyway, I will leave you to enjoy your Saturday evening.  The Christmas tree is up, and son and I are watching a naff reindeer film by the twinkling tree lights.  THIS is what matters.  (But I'll still hope for that lottery win.)

No comments:

Post a Comment