Thursday, 8 December 2011

Pregnant? Moi?

Someone thought I was pregnant today.

This is bad because it shows that I have comfort eaten enough weight on for someone to think me far enough gone to warrant asking when the baby's due.

However, it also made me broody.

I feel broody a lot at the moment.  It is completely impractical for me to have another child.  My focus needs to be the two I already have and getting myself back into work so I can continue to provide for them.  But, I often feel the baby-ache.

I think this is because in the midst of dark times and hopelessness, it would be quite nice to have something wonderful to look forward to.

Leukaemia is most common amongst 1-4 year olds (cruel, cruel illness that it is).  As people like to have a nice gap between their kids (unlike me who had 10 years between mine), then there are many mums on the ward who are expecting or who have small babies.  I cannot imagine how hard that is - to have a toddler going through these awful things, but to be expecting their sibling.

The other thing I feel where siblings are concerned is worried.  Could my boy get this evil thing too?  According to an American website, siblings are 3-4 times more likely to get leukaemia than children where the disease is not in the family.  I don't know what the odds of getting it in the first place are.  I know it is rare - although it doesn't feel it when you are sitting in a packed clinic or hospital ward.  Twins have a 25% chance of developing it if their sibling has it.  I'm not putting this to scare people.  I also cannot vouch for the truth of the source that I read this from.  It is me sharing my worry with this page.  My son looks pale.  Very pale at times.  He has lots of bruises.  (He is a week off 3 and crazy though!)  I have to restrain myself every day from taking him to the doctors and asking for them to test him.  He seems full of life and energy - something that my daughter wasn't when in the grasp of the disease.  I even dream about getting him tested.  Last night it cost me £230 in my dream to get him checked for leukaemia privately.  

I fear I am a bit mad, but this illness does that to you, I think.

This blog is me trying to work a few things out for myself, but it is also to share experience.  Some of the only people I feel I can communicate with are other parents who are going through/have gone through the same experience as me.  We are hard to come by though.  If anyone reading this would like to share their experience or ask me anything, please do.  It is comfort from strangers, but every bit helps in times like these.

So, the upshot is I am very fat, but I am not sure I can manage to do anything about it at the moment.  I keep starting diets then losing the will after a couple of weeks.  Food is my only crutch.  Christmas is coming.  The thought of nice things in the cupboards and spoiling my children rotten is keeping me going at the moment.

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